Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in fuzzbutt's InsaneJournal:

Thursday, August 28th, 2008
11:05 pm	... I don't know what I'm supposed to write. I really don't know, I've erased and started this sentence, paragraph over so many times it's not even funny. I hurt her feelings, behold , me the fuckup, ever again continue to mess her life up on a daily basis. I feel like I've done something...so wrong...so irreparable she won't ever really forgive me for it, even if she says she does. She says it's okay, but the look in her eyes says she's hurt. I don't care about my feelings...perhaps I shouldn't. Maybe it's the best way if I just act dead to the world , do my schoolwork, work my job, and just bring money home...hopefully she can buy something to make her happy. I just feel like I fail at it. I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink...well not drink something unless it'd put me in a daze...and I want to just...have a cigarette, relax...go back inside and just have all this done with. I hate myself...I really hate myself, why do I have to be so stupid , so fickle? I don't even know me anymore. Who am I? What am I? Am I ever going to be the me she wants me to be? Or am I just going to be some stupid little charlatan that can never live up to the real thing she wants? I want to hurt myself, carve my skin, poison myself with pill bottles, drink whatever hazard labeled container I can get my hands on...but I can't. I want to so bad...but I can't. I know it'd hurt her...she made me promise to never fuck myself up again...I hope I can hold that...that might make her happy, make her proud of me. I feel like I'm just something I should be ashamed of. Maybe that's so. I don't really know....I just don't know. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 16th, 2008
12:51 am	OMFG SEXXORZ omg...better than reeses puffs. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Friday, July 18th, 2008
2:41 am	I fucking hate myself. I dunno what to type here....I really don't. I feel like shit, I hate myself, and I know Sara's hurt...should I even go in to lay with her in bed? I know she must hate me right now...well she's the only one that'll read this anyway. I feel like a mess. My grandfather's been gone for...forever now. But it still hurts this time of year. I miss our double birthdays...and I don't want mine to come...even though it's technically my b day right now...Sara I'm sorry...I'm so fucking sorry I'm a fuck up and a piece of shit. A liar, and...I wish I never hurt you...I'm so afraid...so afraid of losing you...yet I keep fucking up time and time again...questions ringing through my brain...will I lose you? How many times am I gonna fuck up? Will you still love me even though I'm worthless...I hate me. I hate my face. I hate my body. I want to ruin all of me. Not like it's worth anything now anyway. Baby I love you...I honestly do. And I'm...I just wanna bash my face in until it's unrecognizable for hurting you...hell I wouldn't mind being beaten senseless...I want to hurt...want myself to hurt like I hurt you. I love you...I...I love you. I know you probably hate me now and I'm going to most likely lose you over this...but I love you...I love you so much...I can't stop crying. I can't. I feel like I'm dying...please...please just be happy...That's all I want for my birthday... (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 20th, 2008
11:36 pm	mean Sara laaaydeee, you make me post when I dun wanna poooost...sheesh, I dun even want to wriiiite...sooo Ima write about Sara's ...something...what teh fuck is your weird obsession with octopuses? And SQUIDS? Woman I'm sad! I can't eat them anymore!....god I just want coffee! I'M GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS! I HATE YOU STOMACH! ...You just giggled, it was cute...I love you laydee, regardless of you making me post cuz you're a fucker. Sara says she found amazing thing...wonder what it is...BUT I POSTED LAYDEE...coupons you say? Kay. Coupons are good, YAY! I GET TO HAVE FUN WITH SCISSORS! Kay done posting :3 Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 19th, 2008
6:33 pm	LJ you fucking faggot My hands hurt to type, so I don't know how long this is going to last, I'm typing this up in notepad from lack of internet so it's going to be posted to IJ in the morning. I am currently a hair away from breaking someone I know's neck, his name is LJ. He was screwing around, and jumped at me with something in his hand, I couldn't tell what it was, so I broke his fucking balls. Then he tries to kick me, I grab his leg and sling him to the ground. So I left, why should I say I was sorry? Why the FUCK should I say sorry for something that was his fault? Then when I tried to leave here later tonight I pull out and my car's acting fucking wonky as shit. I get out and see that my left front tire's been fucking cut. I pull it back in the driveway as best as I can, I go straight over to him, confront the fucking cunt and ask him if he cut my tire. He says "Yeah, and what you gonna do about it faggot?" My response? I grabbed him by the fucking adam's apple and just start hitting him in the fucking face until he's at a wall. He's bleeding from the nose, lips and his eyes are now swollen as all hell. And you know what? I smashed his nuts with my knee the entire time I was doing it, held him by the fucking nasty hair and slung his face into the concrete, kicked him in the ribs about five times and then just walked away. I don't give a fuck if he has to go to the hospital, you don't fuck with me like that. And you know what? If he tries to get me back for it, I'll break his legs next time. Because trust me, at the moment I could fuck him up for life and not care. Not give a DAMN. So now in the morning I'm going to have to go and pull the spare from under the car and then I'm going to have to jack the car up and put my new tire on. He's going to get it, even more than I've already done to him, so help me, he's going to fucking GET IT. Nearly five thirty am and I still can't fucking sleep so I'm going back to writing this blog...entry...whatever the hell you want to call it. Jesus...I just want to go see my Sara right now so I can take care of all the fucking rage in my system. I'm really pissed, really...really pissed. I want to grab him by the neck and just twist the life out of him. Dear god help me, or whatever the fuck higher power, deity, whatever you wanna call the damn thing that 'watches out for us' that doesn't really exist. At least not in my mind. I've stopped believing in that. At least I think I have, I don't know what I believe anymore. If I didn't have control over myself right now I would've went back over there and I would have finished the job, stuck a damn knife in his neck and let that be the end of that, but I can't do that. It might not be the best idea right now, but I need to go outside, I need to get some fresh air because I'm going fucking insane from being cooped up a room with nothing to do but be pissed. Update soon, maybe, or maybe I"ll just upload it like this. I'm not quite sure yet. Now six twenty am and whatever chances I had of getting any sleep are ruined. Someone just called the damn phone at six twenty in the fucking morning looking for 'Denny' not to mention I'm not too fond of phone conversations. Bonnie's a fucking whore, those of you who know her, know her, those of you who don't. Don't. I overheard her talking to "Shane" whoever the hell he is, she talks to him for about two hours a night, sometimes more. As far as I'm concerned? She wants him, wants to get Leon out of the picture so she can jump his bones. My evidence? What did I hear? "In thirty days, we're in the clear" , guess what's signed in thirty days? THE DIVORCE PAPERS that the cunt has to pay for herself, OH NOES. Because Leon isn't paying for the divorce because he doesn't want it. Then I hear "Three weeks after that it's permanent" . Oh yeah, Bonnie's a fucking slut for this guy, Leon knows it, I know it. Honestly I feel disgusted having to sleep here now because that little faggot slit my tire. I'm still pissed. And you know what? I told Leon what she said, and what did he say "I knew it, I knew it was him all along since she started this phone conversations for two hours with him every dang night" and she's such a selfish whore. She plays the victim, we try and talk to her, to give Leon a chance. and she responds like a fucking child with "THIS IS THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER DONE FOR ME!" bull, fucking, shit. I could name lists that go on forever but I don't feel like it right now. She plays the victim, she acts like everyone's turning their back on HER because wait...they are. THEY ARE. Because you drove them away, with your lies, with your animousity, and with your idiocy and hypocrisy. I hope you burn in hell woman. You know what? I hope everyone here burns in hell. Save for Leon and Cameron. All the rest of you are little dramawhores, backstabbing assholes that would slit another's throat for a good buck. I think this is the last night I'm spending here, let alone VISIT. I'll be here to help Leon move, that's the only damn thing I'm coming out here for again. Save for maybe smashing all of LJ's windows in his car and then his skull. But back to Bonnie. She SCREAMED at me for bringing up , just mentioning the NAMES of two of her friends, I'd barely got the names out of my mouth before she started SCREAMING AND YELLING like a fucking cunt. "LEON SAID BLAH BLAH BLAH ABOUT HER AND I'VE HAD TO DEFEND HER HONOR TO HIM" sorry, there's no honor in a fucking ex cokehead that I'm not so sure is an EX cokehead. Who has an abusive boyfriend that she's too much of a pussy to leave, oh, and did I mention his nickname? "Roadkill" , because he's that fucking ugly and smells like shit. I mention "Sam and Bradley" his REAL name. Real manly name by the way faggot. That keep feeding lies in her ear. I was asking "Did you ever stop and think from an outside perspective how wise it would be to listen to Sa-" before I got cut off. Then she started talking about "Gitmo" her military friend that she runs off to crying every time something goes wrong. I've heard him talk, he's an idiot, he thinks he's a hardass, he's never killed anyone. Trust me, my brother Joe killed....I forget how many people, over a hundred during six years in Iraq. Yeah, "Gitmo" can fucking suck me. But the only people that seem to still like her are a bunch of scumbugs pushing for divorce. As ugly as this sounds, I'm starting to support the divorce, because that cunt of a woman, Bonnie, isn't what Leon deserves. Leon is one of the best people I've ever met, and he doesn't deserve the mental, emotional and verbal abuse she's putting him through. EVERYTHING is going right for him save for Bonnie, life's better than it ever has been save for her. But Bonnie is getting more...and more...miserable by the day. They're both religious, and I've heard things from both of them, and I said something that I'm pretty sure hurt Bonnie, but she had it coming. Leon said "God's helping me because I've turned the situation over to him and I'm trusting and believing in him. Good comes out of everything when you trust in God." While Bonnie is saying "I pray and I pray and I pray and God doesn't answer." umm.....maaaaaybe because the bible says. "DIVORCE IS ONLY TO BE DONE WHEN THERE'S ADULTERY" and the fact that you're...lessee. "DOING SOMETHING NOT IN HIS WILL THAT HE SEES AS WRONG" He's not going to help you do something wrong, especially when it's for your OWN benefit when really you're just fucking yourself over. God has forsaken you Bonnie. Because you're a fickle, heartless, moneygrubbing leeching excuse of a fucking pile of maggot shit. I hate you, I really do. No I'm sorry the pity is over I HATE you. I hate you for the lies you tell, the things you do to Leon, and I hate you for being a cheating lying whore. I heard what you said. I hate you for what you really are, what you've been hiding all these years. I see you , you bitch. I see what you are. So help me I've already broken you, I'll break you down further, I'll break you until there's nothing left. You've hurt one of the best men on this planet, your crime does not go untolerated. I place upon you a curse of mental and emotional anguish so great that it's going to scar you forever. She's just...become everything I hate. And I see her for the liar she really is. I'm furious for being deceived. The curtain's down bitch, no standing ovation for you. You're not half the actress you thought you were. I see right through you. And I hope you DIE. Death is the only acceptable punishment for what you've done. You've destroyed a family. Already scarred your children. Threw away something wonderful...all because you're a selfish...little...whore. Your hands out for money. Everyone here is being left behind, once again except for Cameron and Leon. I don't want this negativity in my life anymore so I"m going to kill it, and kill it the best way I know how. As soon as the next new moon hits you're all getting a banishment ward, and the circle of nightmares. I'm going to haunt your dreams until you change your ways, even if it drives you to death. I know you don't like it when I'm like this Sara, but this is something that's been festering that I had to get out. I really had to get it out. Or else...I was going to have a melt down. Considering this is a MASSIVE post you can't say anything about me not posting for a long time, I more than made up for it, so hush squishybutt :3, sigh...I feel better, it's almost daybreak...I want mountain dew....and sausage dogs. - The Fuzzbutt has spoken Current Mood: pissed off (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 24th, 2008
10:31 pm	want coffee... sitting here at all saints to get out of the house because the rents are fighting...and because of my ulcer I can't have coffee ;.; , makes me sad it does. I just want COFFEE DAMMIT. But yeah, I drug my sleepy head out of the house and went out to take pictures of the apartment, Sara seemed happy with most of it, just a few minor things bugging her, but I'm sure all of it can be worked out on some level or another, it all seems good in the long run. Wow, just a month and a half before we go into our new home and yet another venture in life. I'm excited and frightened all at the same time, but I know I've got my baby with me so that makes everything better. She makes me so happy and supports me no matter what I do...God I love you hun <3 Current Mood: WHEE Current Music: Blutengel: "Bloody pleasures" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
1:03 pm	Grrr...*sneeze, hack, cough* Fucking sick...argrargh...Sara says I have to stay inside all weekend, possibly even monday if I'm not better by then. I know it's for my own good but damn I feel cooped up and I just wanna get the FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. It's driving me crazy being all cooped up in my room for days on end, I only left yesterday to go get cough drops >.o . Doesn't help that Sara's all "haha" about it and mocking me and my...sickie...ness. Yes, sickieness. I wanna be better...dammit I want rats...and a fennec ;.;...wants a fennec bady. We spoil people when they're sick right? Thas right bitch! I know you're gonna read this! If I die I'm gonna reanimate as a zombie and come eat your brains!...Kay? As much as I'm all like grrr at my sweetheart for making me stay at home, I know it's for my own good. I guess I should be grateful that I actually listen to her, she does know what's best for me most of the time. Love you baby <3 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 21st, 2008
11:14 pm	Ennnngh GAAAAH Christ I hate my body...I had an ulcer which I went into the doctor's office for on Wednezday...err Wednesday (got you on my brain babe, can't help it XD) . So I though "Kay, fine." until I found out I had to have blood drawn...that was a nightmare. I was just all....AIEEEEEAAAARRRGH. I'm odd, I don't mind being tattooed...but needles going into veins or through flesh just freaks me the fuck out. So the first woman that drew my blood didn't go deep enough, and then bitched and moaned until someone else had to do it...this...bull dyke black woman with like, two barbells in each eyebrow, her nose and a lip ring looks at me and just tells me "SIDDOWN" so I'm like "...kay" she takes my arm and stabs the fuck out of me. I'm sure your blood isn't supposed to go PSSSSSSSSSST and spray into the vial. So they get the fucking pint out of me to test for a bacteria in my blood that can apparently cause ulcers. As well as test for any other thing that could go wrong and take my cholestrol. The X rays were fine, at least they weren't a pain . But anyway, after that I got a cold. Now I'm hacking my lungs out and there's so much...snot. I hate it. And I feel cold and I'm getting those all over body aches. Heh...kinda makes me happy, reminds me of the time Sara visited, but I accidentally got her sick..then we were sick together, but I still managed to spoil her as much as I could...lotsa cuddle. I just got back from winn dixie, CVS right there apparently wasn't 24 hours and was closed. But hopefully cepacol and Halls will make things better...maybe some chicken wonton soup from the local chinese restaurant tomorrow if Sara lets me go get it <3 Current Music: What you waiting for : Gwen Stefani (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 20th, 2008
9:52 pm	Dickhead Starting with a really random occurance...the tip of my man rod brushed the inside of my boxer briefs and I popped a half stiffy...kay now it's dying. On with the random things. I guess,I dunno....anyway in mid post I kinda stopped due to phone calls with Sara...that ended up leaving me feeling like shit and like a complete asshole...I kept talking about her ex and she kept telling me to stop and I kept on because I was upset at the fuckhead at this point and I just didn't ....I didn't stop. And she just got more and more upset...then she had to go to talk to a family member for awhile, called me back almost in tears. And I got pissed at her family...and the argument went on and on about how I'm sick of them treating her like shit. She says I have to respect the culture difference. Honestly I don't give a flying fuck about the culture difference. It can kiss my ass. Respect the culture difference my fucking ass, does that mean I have to respect the fact that women in Saudi Arabia are abused and killed for stupid shit every fucking day? I swear I just wanna take a B.A.R. and mount it on the back of my truck, drive through the middle of a male crowded street in that fuckhole, kill some sons of bitches just by running them over until I run out of gas. Then just get out and unload a whole truckbed full of a beltfeed of .306 rounds wildly into a crowd of the fucking misogynists until they're all dead. All fucking dead. Sorry to sound so fucking critical of a real fucking shithole country, I've had family that lived there under those conditions. Aziz...I fucking hate that name. I remember my grandfather sitting down with my aunt's ex husband when he came to america to sign the divorce papers. He sat a shotgun in the corner of the room, wrote Aziz's first name on one shell, and his last name on the other, then loaded up the gun. Then he told him "You ever come near my daughter again, you've got two slugs with your name on 'em.". Good man. I don't care what fucking country you're from, you don't abuse women. You don't tell them they're fat when they're in great shape. You don't scold them for being BETTER THAN YOU. Don't bring a great person down because they're fucking better than you! CUNT! I mean HELL. There's quite a few people I just want to sit down, grab by the collar and bitchslap until they finally get some sense just for their fucking attitudes toward women. This is a message to every single misogynist out there. Hence this is going to be a public post. Next time you think about treating a woman like shit, or destroying her confidence on something that's not even an issue. Why don't you do the world a favor? Consider the fact your mother could have died splitting her fucking cunt in half and bleeding everywhere, nine months of hell just to bring your ass into this world. Only to have you treating the generations after you like hell? I'm sorry but seniority doesn't give you the right to speak badly of anyone. FUCK, look at Bush, he's older, and he doesn't have the right to judge anyone because he's a bloody dumbass. So what makes you any better? You know what? You're not. So why don't you just go and cut your dick down the middle of the bottom and slice it open? Think it's too much to ask? That's minor pain compared to what women go through. You know what? I hate men, and I hate myself just for being one. Sometimes I think I'm a real dick. I'm sorry Sara, you know what it's for....I love you. I always have...and I always do...I just go so mad when people hurt you baby... Current Mood: enraged (1 Comment |Comment on this)